Introducing the Cheese Game

From my family to yours: a new Cosmopolitan Globalist Thanksgiving tradition

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all!

Because it is the firm view of the Cosmopolitan Globalists that Thanksgiving dinner is the ideal moment for a lively debate with your relatives about the war in the Middle East, we’ve prepared a special Israel-Gaza War Thanksgiving Edition for you and your family to enjoy together.

We understand, however, that this topic may not be age-appropriate or suitable for every family. Some of you may fear such a conversation would end with Uncle Kurtz strangling Cousin Karen with her keffiyeh as he cries, “Exterminate all the brutes!” So for those among you with more delicate family relationships, I propose a delightful holiday game, instead. I play this with my family all the time. So far it’s never caused anyone to relapse or storm back to Oberlin in a huff.

Here’s how you play. You sit around the table, and one by one, you name a cheese. Say, for example, Brie. Or mozzarella. It must be a new cheese each time: no repeats. You have two seconds to name a cheese. If you can’t come up with a new cheese in two seconds, you’re out. The winner is the last one left.

“But Claire,” I hear you say. “That’s so stupid.”

Ah no. You see, there’s a twist.

No matter the cheese, you must pronounce it in the accent of the country it comes from. So, for example, if your cheese is le Gruyère, you must pronounce it like this:

If your cheese is the Parmesan, you must say it like this:

That’s what makes this the King of the Cheese Games.

So give it a whirl—Clacbictou, Asiago, American, Cheddar, Cabrales, Gouda, Butterkäse, Edam, Vieux Puant, Stilton, Jarlsberg, Halloumi, Feta, Camembert, Queso Blanco, Sakura, Gorgonzola, Colby, Limburger, Cottage, Cream, Bocconcini, Paneer, Roquefort, String, Provolone, Muenster, Havarti, Trou du cru, Queso Fresco, Monterey Jack, Cacouyard, Cottage, Cheez-whiz—they’re all in play, and much much more. Just name it within two seconds and pronounce it exactly the way they do in the country that makes it.

“But Claire,” you say. “That’s still really stupid.”

Well, what do you want from me. It’s that or the Israel-Gaza War.

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PS: Send us a video of your family playing the cheese game. We’ll post them here. It can be our new Cosmopolitan Globalist annual tradition. Happy Thanksgiving!

PPS: I think I’ll send out the Israel-Gaza War Special tomorrow. I mean, it’s a holiday. You probably wouldn’t even read it today, right? You don’t mind, do you?