Merry Christmas and Joy to the World
The Cosmopolitan Globalists' guide to safely celebrating
The Cosmopolitan Globalists would like to wish our Christian friends a Merry Christmas. We wish a Merry Christmas, too, to our Druze, Jewish, Rastafarian, Hindu, Jain, Buddhist, Sikh, Bahá’í, Shinto, Orthodox Christian, Zoroastrian, Manichaean, Bábist, Confucian, Muslim, Taoist, Wicca, Druid, Santeria, Falun Gong, and plain old Godless friends. Merry Christmas, one and all. May your day be full of joy.
For Christmas, we’ve opened the comments section on this post to everyone—for free. Today, you don’t have to be a paying subscriber to meet one another, chat with the editors, and tell the contributors what you’d like them to write. Why not come over and introduce yourself? Tell us where you live. Tell us what you’re doing for Christmas. Tell us what kind of stories you’d like to read in the Cosmopolitan Globalist.
Ask us anything.
To be honest, we’re a bit worried for some of our Christian friends. This is a desolate year. It will perhaps be the first Christmas you’ve spent alone, far from your family, and bereft of your Christmas traditions.
So the Jewish Cosmopolitan Globalists are here to help. Spending Christmas alone, far from our families, and bereft of Christmas traditions is what we do every year.
In fact, we’ve developed pandemic-proof Christmas traditions that you too can adopt. Here’s how to do it, step-by-step.
Order Chinese food.
Watch a movie on Netflix.
Notice that everything’s closed and there’s nothing to do.
Kvetch.
Voilà.
For your first Jewish Christmas, don’t sweat the details. Yes, we could argue for years about Hillel the Elder’s claim that the Lo Mein gives him heartburn right in the kishkas—and Rabbi Akiva did argue that for years, Got in himmel, the tsuris he got from that Lo Mein!—and we could debate the obligation to order General Tso’s chicken; the disagreement between the Rambam and the Ravad on that point was arch, to say the least. But don’t worry about it, and don’t go all Kabbalist with the menu, either: Sometimes 613 is just Egg Fu Yung. For your first traditional Jewish Christmas, stick with the essentials. Get Chinese takeaway. Complain there’s nothing to do.
There are many advantages to traditional Jewish Christmas. For one, you never get into some hideous fight with your family that makes you break out in psychosomatic hives. For another, you won’t catch the virus. But most importantly, you won’t carelessly kill your parents or your grandparents by giving them the virus, either.
So try it! You’re home alone, and there’s nothing to do, so why not? Frankly, your Christmas celebrations have always looked so stressful to us. The decorations are pretty, and we do congratulate you on the birth of your savior (in a polite way, of course; no one wants to go into the details of what we really think about this, theologically) but we’ve never envied you the stress.
So why not have yourself a nice, relaxed, Jewish Christmas this year, instead? Order General Tso’s chicken and some fried rice, flip on something you’ve long been meaning to watch? Before you know it, the day will be over, and tomorrow everything will be open again and things will be back to normal.
Except for the last part. But otherwise, it will be just like Christmas as usual—for the Jews.
Here at the Cosmopolitan Globalist, we’ll be open all day. Why? For the same reason that—God forbid—should you need to go to the emergency room today, odds are high that you will be treated by a nice, sober Jewish doctor. Jews work on Christmas so our Christian friends can spend the day with their families. Except this time they can’t spend it with their families, but still. It’s the principle of the thing.
If you’re alone and lonely and unsure what to do with yourself, why not join us for Christmas? Today, the comment section is open—to anyone and everyone in the world. The Cosmopolitan Globalists live in all the time zones of the world, too, so one of us is sure to be awake.
If you enjoy it—perhaps you might subscribe?
Or give someone a Christmas gift?
Merry Christmas! Stay safe, and enjoy the chow mein. .
Well, here I am sitting in Israel on this a windy but glorious Shabbat. Christmas has passed us literally and figuratively. With a whimper; barely. The folks in Bethlehem had it even worse. No tourists, empty hotels and a lingering and dwindling population of Christians. I sell olive wood doo-dads on line and I have a supplier in Bethlehem. Known them for about 12 years but have never met them in person. Don't want to take my life in my hands; it really is off limits for Israelis to go to areas governed by the PA. Many Arab-Israelis venture forth and take advantage of the lower prices on just about everything. The Christian population in the Middle East is dropping rapidly - about 5% now down from 20% once upon a time. The Muslim population in the ME do not care for Christians [Jews, they can't get their hands on so easily]. Seems like the only country in which the Christian population continues to grow is in Israel. Imagine that folks. Little known secret: The level of Christian education is notable, with 64% of Christian high school students earning a high school diploma, compared to 59% for Jewish Israelis and 48% for Muslims. Oy. Here in Israel we will start another 'lockdown' (the 3rd) starting Sunday evening and lasting perhaps 3-4 weeks. Just finished a lox and bagel breakfast. The neighbor's kid made these bagels, even boiled them, but they were made so small it was heartbreaking. What can you do. You just have to get by. Well so long for now and have a better year next year. Prankman
Surfing Hawaii Kine Christmas Day. Been following for years. First read “There is No Alternative: Why Margaret Thatcher Matters”. Hooked me. I’m close to becoming a paying subscriber. Globalist approach so needed. Will this have legs?