And the winner is ...
(Important: If you need a receipt for tax purposes, let me know *today*)
Whoa! If ever I decide to go to the dark side, I’m going to announce that I’m collecting money for Covid-19 victims, pretend to be some guy named Colonel Tharp, have an imaginary debate with him about Donald Trump’s incompetence, sit back and wait for a week, then abscond to New Zealand.
You guys went nuts! I didn’t realize you had so much money! I didn’t realize you were such good people! I didn’t realize you were so competitive, either!
All week, I’ve been watching that pot of money grow, and going through this mental process every time I hear the “bing” of a new email:
Claire: “Oh! It’s from PayPal! Oh, wow! I win! I win! Someone just sent me twenty bucks! I’m rich!”
Claire: “No, Claire, they didn’t just send you twenty bucks. They sent hungry, homeless, elderly and disabled people whose lives have been overturned by the worst pandemic in a century twenty bucks.”
Claire: “Oh.”
Claire: “But that’s good! You’re happy about that. Homeless, elderly and disabled people whose lives have been overturned by the worst pandemic in a century will get twenty bucks!”
Claire: “That’s true. That would make me a very good person! I like that!”
Claire: “Except you didn’t give it to them. They did.”
Claire: “But I helped a little, right? I collected it.”
Claire: “Yes, you did. That was a useful thing to do.”
Claire: (Wistfully) “I can’t keep any of it?
Claire: “No, and you’re vile for even having the thought.”
Claire: “Oh.”
——Bing!
Claire: “Oh, wow—look how much money’s in that pot now! I bet that’s enough to buy a vaccine! I cured Covid-19! I cured Covid-19!”
Claire: “Not you, Claire. Your readers did.”
Claire: “Oh.”
Claire: “It is a lot of money, though, isn’t it.”
Claire: “It is. That was truly generous of your readers.”
Claire: “Can’t I keep any of it? I bet if people had thought about it, they’d realize some of it has to go to me, because I’m—
Claire: “Shut up, Claire, you avaricious fool.”
It was like that all week long.
But in the end, it’s not about the money. Except for the people who need it—for whom it’s all about the money. The main thing—what this is all really about—is winning.
And I won! (Almost.)
The final tally
39 votes for Claire, and $644.99 for Covid-19 relief!
22 votes for the Colonel, and $645.00 for Covid-19 relief!
If those numbers look suspiciously close to you, it’s because they are. At the last minute, LtCol Tharp kicked in $34.79—to my side—so that it would be as close to even as possible but so that he’d still win by a penny.
I figure he deserves to win by a penny, seeing as he gave the money to people who need it more than we do. Also, this was a completely uneven playing field: We held this debate on my newsletter, meaning, “A group of people selected for their propensity to agree with me.”
You win the “best readers of the millennium” award.
You really are the best.
Oh, and the other winner was, “Our ability to talk to each other about politics without swearing.”
Thank you.
We’ll disburse $1,290 dollars to Covid-19 relief charities over the weekend, then I’ll post the receipts here so that you can luxuriate in the feeling of being good people. Which you are, seriously. I’m sure you guys helped a lot of people. I’m sure that because of you, this week someone who would otherwise go hungry will have a nutritious meal. I’m sure that this week, because of you, a nurse or a social worker will have a decent mask because of of you. That person will then be able, safely, to visit an elderly person who lives alone, or a family with disabled kids (whose routines have been completely upended by the lockdown—parents are going out of their minds). That will be because of you. These are all things that would not have happened without your contribution.
We didn’t raise enough to help everyone in the world who needs it. But to the people who get this help, it will mean the world. I’m sure of that.
Meanwhile—don’t forget—you can also contribute to me. I could use a nutritious meal myself. That would mean the world to me:
Important: If you plan to itemize your taxes really carefully, and if you’re taking more than the standard deduction, you will need a receipt from the registered charity, not from us. We looked into this for you. According to the IRS, if you send money to us so that we could send it to a registered charity, it still just counts as a “gift.” To deduct it, you’ll need a receipt directly from the registered charity.
So if you need that receipt, send me an e-mail today. We’ll ask the recipient to make out a separate receipt for you, in your name. (If you have a preference about which charity you want the receipt from, let me know.)
But if you don’t do that today, it will be too late. To give you time to do this, we’ll wait until tomorrow to disburse the funds—but otherwise, we want to get this in the hands of the people who need it as soon as possible.
I’ll keep this newsletter short, but the regularly-scheduled newsletter will soon return on its regular schedule. Meanwhile, don’t forget:
Congrats, LtCol. Thank you for engaging the debate with Claire, and wading into the comments me, for that matter.
And know that if I saw what you were up to as the clock ran down, I would have snuck in an additional 2¢ at the last moment. Next time I shall see you defeated by your own hand!