Epstein Regulation Compliance
Here's our plan. If you have questions, please ask HR.
Note: As you know, Members of the Fourth Estate recently received a directive—effective immediately and until further notice—to cease coverage of international conflicts, natural disasters, domestic policy crises, economic catastrophes, and existential threats in favor of Mandatory Epstein Saturation Coverage, no matter how tedious or tendentious. Seems dumb to me, but hell if I’ll be the woman who was fool enough to defy the Committee.
Please therefore note that any newsletters you receive from me this weekend are embargoed until further notice. Do not read them, circulate them, or even tell anyone you have them until the all-clear sounds and the State of Emergency is lifted.*
Consult the Epstein Advisory System for further updates and guidance.
*I’m trusting you, guys. If anyone rats me out for sending non-compliant newsletters, I swear I’ll string you up.
Some shallow journalists still waste our time on pseudo-issues, such as ongoing military instabilities in Ukraine, Gaza, Taiwan, and Sudan, or global economic weakness, or growing totalitarian leaders, or AI and cyberwarfare, or nuclear and biological warfare. Luckily, our trusted mainstream journalists keep us laser-focused on what matters most: Epstein and his birthday parties.
Very funny!